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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  March 9, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST

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( band playing intro music ) ( band playing "late show" theme ) >> stephen colbert! >> stephen: hey! hey! welcome to "the late show."
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i can use it. thanks so much, everybody. thanks so much for being here. lovely. this is lovely to have an audience with that kind of energy on hump day. i really appreciate it. welcome to "the late show." i'm stephen colbert. and i am so glad you're here, i am so glad you're excited. i do need your energy because i don't want to be alone right now. i just heard something shocking. youifies like kraft macaroni and cheese? ( cheers and applause ) , of course, you do. you're human beings. of course, you love it. well, brace yourself, because kraft has announced that they've gone natural. yeah, yeah, yeah. that was my reaction because i first assumed that natural meant they were doing their products in the buff, but it's even more upsetting than that. when they say "natural," they mean they have removed all artificial preservatives,
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classic mac and cheese recipe. i don't get it. i don't get it. i was not aware, first of all, that a packet of dust was a-- ( laughter ) technically a recipe. ( laughter ) here's the deal. kraft claims you can't taste the difference, and they can prove you can't taste the difference because they changed the recipe three months ago and they've now sold 50 million boxing of the new recipe without people noticing. all right. but we're americans. you throw enough salt and pepper in there we'll eat the box without noticing. this is wrong, wrong! this is a serious breach of trust. when i pick up a package of enriched macaroni product and dried milkfat powder, i expect a certain amount of fake ingredients. ( laughter )
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coloring, they're using spices like paprika and something called annatto. what the hell is annatto? >> jon: i don't even know. >> stephen: i don't know. i want good old-fashioned coloring like yellow number 6. i know where yellow number 6 comes from, right between yellow 5 and yellow where it belongs. if you missed the original recipe, just melt an orange crayon in there pup get the same basic effect.oesn't congeal as fast. we've got a tasty show for you tonight. ( cheers and applause )asty show tonight, very tasty. my first guest is hollywood legend sally field! ( cheers and applause )
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she's so lovely. then i'll be talking to the star of "the carmichael show" jerrod gentlemen. ( cheers and applause ) really funny guy. such a nice funny fella. and we'll have a performance bylovely speranza spalding. we all know that's jon batiste and stay human. say hi to the band, everybody. they're about to play music, but before they do, one more thing. a canadian thief has turned himself in after his victim friended him on facebook. apparently, the thief wouldail than look at any more baby photos.
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l. and a performance by esperanza spalding. tiste and stay human. now it's time for "the late show with stephen colbert"! use ) , jon, thank you, joe. are you all rightht? what's going on over there?
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like you're doing a one-man limbo over there. >> jon: yeah.ot another week and a half before we go on vacation. >> jon: 10 weeks, man. >> stephen: we're 10 weeks into the show. i'm feeling good. where are you going on vacation, by the way? house. ( laughter ) >> stephen: so you just go to your house and sort of-- what do you do there, just eat macaroni and: yeah! >> stephen: do you eat the macaroni-- does this news upset you the way it upsets me about the macaroni and cheese? >> jon: big time, i remember when i was a kid, and cheese. >> stephen: meredith, do you eat the macaroni and these. this is one of my producers. >> yeah, i ate a lot as a kid and then in college. but i >> stephen: it's ultimate midnight food. >> i never had milk so i just put the powder right on -- >> you just put the powder on the noodle with no milk? did you put butter in or>> no, i never had butter, either. >> stephen: why don't you just chop out a few lines of the
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>> that would be a good idea.: the whole macaroni and cheese thing clearly has upset a lot of people, not just me.resident gets a physical. i guess the vice president asks for it to make sure the president is still alive. president obama just had a physical, and we found out this morning from white houseutely true-- in the past two years, president obama has grown half an inch. he's 54 yearsery late for puberty to kick in. i'm not sure if that's a change i can actually believe in.octor just told me, and this is also true-- i'm 5'11", i've been 5'11" my entire life, and my doctor told i'm 5'10.5". there goes my modeling career. i don't understand what's
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is obama trying to make himself look bigger to intimidate congress, like how a lizard puffs out its neck frill?urt nominee!" ( applause ) ( cheers ) or maybe he's just fudging his height so he can ride the white house rollercoaster. it doesn't end there. have you heard about hankballpark pup, the upofficial mascot of the milwaukee brewers? of course you have. this is hank.ttle dog here wandered into spring training and was adopted by the brewers. it's natural. isn't that nice? that's lovely. dog because, living with ballplayersplayers is every dog's dream.
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time. fans, of course, loved hank. but the next season, 2015, a few of them noticed suspicious changes in hank's appearance.his ears had changed, and his face had a different shape. it's this kind of careful, meticulous research by brewersroves that anything is more interesting than actually watching the game. and one fan was so upset internet to expose the lies. >> there's a baseball blogger that said hank was replaced with a lookalike.t hank 1 died in june, and rather than breaking hearts, fans were kept in the dark. >> stephen: that's right. he claims it's a puppy cover-up.ank passed away and was secretly replaced with a lookalike. it would explain why most baseball teams use costumed mascots. when the guy inside dies, nobody knows. ( laughter )nest, most
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inside. ( applause ) ( cheers ) questions about hank were mounting, so on friday, the chief operating officer of the brewers was actually norsed to come forward with an official response.>> this is definitely the original hank, and this is a notarized document from hank's veterinarian. hank's microchip was scanned and found to be the one inserted in 2014 amal hospital. the best way to calm down conspiracy theorists is to tell them you're implanting
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brewer fans and anybody out there who is afraid obama was replaced because he's half an inch taller. nobody is secretly replacingsn't that right, jon? >> yes indeed! >> stephen: play us out to commercial, jon! >> yeah! right back with sally field. pain from your day can haunt you at night, don't let it. advil pm gives you the healing sleep you need, helping you fall asleep and stay asleep heal as you rest. advil pm. for a healing night's sleep. alright, what do you think boys? we could do some thai. ooo... how 'bout sushi, eh? [weird dog moan/squeak] why not?king]
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approve this message. her life's work has been about breaking barriers. and so would her presidency. which is why, for every american who's not being paid what they're worth... who's held back by student debt or a system tilted against them- and there are far too many of you- she understands that our country can't reach it's potential...
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together. a stronger country. : welcome back, everybody. my first guest tonight is an emmy- and oscar-winning actress and one of the most beloved performers in america. please welcome sally field.
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( cheers and applause ) >> iid it. why can't i? is there you won't get an argument from me. ( laughter ) this job is getting better and better every day.y field. >> yes, yes. >> stephen: i think it goes without saying i had a crush on you when i was a child. ( laughter ) and that hasn't gone away. it's just been revived in a large ( laughter ) >> you're fine.e. >> stephen: well, that's all we have time for. thank you so much. >> thank you. >> stephen: thank you so much for being here.
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you are a three-time emmycheers and applause ) you are one of the most respected and beloved actresses of any screen you want to look at. and your new film is called "hello, my name is doris." >> yes. >> stephen: and ind i love your performance. >> thank you. >> stephen: you-- you want to tell the people who doris is, and who she's saying hello to? ( laughter )ight now. >> stephen: all right. >> she's saying hello to the world. it's a coming of age story of a woman of age. >> stephen: right. >> and she-- the way she her shell after her entire life of 60-some-odd years-- never mind how old you are. it doesn't matter. is she has a tremendous crush onh younger man. >> stephen: max greenfield, who were on here just the other night. >> yes. >> stephen: charming. >> the movie's not about that. it's just about what gets her out of her shell., to me the movie is like you're never too old to be young.
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a bit of a shut-in. >> yes. >> stephen: and then she goes out and gets a new job in this life opens up, based upon the people she meets. >> stephen: yes. >> stephen: and this immediate crush she gets on max. >> yes. >> stephen: and we have a clip right here of one of yourons. >> very good. >> is that a baby boy on the nuclear winter cd? >> yes. >> that's my favorite band. >> you're kidding.n't have thought you'd be into electronic music. >> i am. i'm a real music person. i like electronic, doo-op,unes. >> you're a baller, doris. straight up. >> thank you. >> pound it. ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: and she falls for him hard.
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she wants out of this relationship? ( laughter ) what do you think she sees in him?eeds-- she wants him so badly. >> she wants to have a really good friend. ( laughter ). >> stephen: but she-- shean just friendship. >> well, yeah, yeah. >> stephen: much has been made-- >> i know.e of kisses in this movie. >> yes, yes. >> stephen: what do you make of the fact that much has been made of you making out with max greenfield. >> well, a pair of lips is a pair of lips,: yeah. and mine's just another pair that you pass by in the night. that's just in, love them and leave them field, they called you. next! next! kissing guys on the screen for the last 53 years of my life. what's the big big deal?some of
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>> i'm still trying to get over paul newman. tonight could have been it, though. i might have actually gotten over it. tephen: could have. could have? i don't know. i don't know. there was some good ones in >> stephen: yeah. >> there were some really good some rotten ones, about those. you try to forget about them. >> stephen: is there any overlap between, like, sallyll. >> oh, yes. >> stephen: she's a shut-in and you seem so effervescent and outgoing. >> no, no, no totally. i'm a complete utterybody knows that who knows anything. >> stephen: i've made out with you, i don't know that. you're a compleept and utter hermit? >> yeah, it's really kind of odd. i'm sort of never socialized as a child, obviously. i needed some play dates, and they never happened. >> stephen: you were never you didn't have friends? >> i don't want it to sound quite like that. that sounds really sad. but --
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sad can be good. was 17. and at that time, they were so much older than me -- >> this is you. this is you. >> that was right before i started in the business. i was a senior in high school. there's my yeah. and literally, six months later, i had a television series. i was on the air. so -- >> giget? was thath, that was "giget." >> stephen: i want to hear a little more about you the sad chiles with no friends but we have to take a commercial stick around for? >> yes, i'll stick around. and this is ford f-150., military grade aluminum-alloy body... it's up to 700 pounds lighter than before, so you can tow more of this... haul more of that. r of a 2016 kelley blue book five-year cost-to-own award. which will save you lots of this.
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: we're back with sally field.e-- before we took the commercial break. >> yes. >> stephen: we were talking about how you were, you know, not that outgoing. >> no, nope.
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can i ask youhing-- >> oh, dear. where are we going? >> stephen: here's another photo of you when you were younger. this is you as homecoming queen. >> i didn't make homecoming queen. i was first runner up. there was somebody else standingn her head. i'm the first runner up. >> stephen: you're in the court. >> yeah. >> stephen: but you tried? >> you don't run for thosehe drama department all the time, and i think they liked my last performance, and that's why i was there. >> stephen: butepartment. were you voted class clown? >> i was class clown but only because i was funny on stage. when i got off stage i was like... ( laughter )ou remember-- is that why you were on stage? >> yes! >> stephen: because you could go outgoing there and not someplace else. >> yes! yes! yes!id you shock people like when you got off stage, "you're usually so funny. why are you so bored and scared
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>> absolutely. and when i was on stainlts of stage, because i was raised in 50s. when i was on stage i could be crawled across the stage andit my shoe on this guy's bare foot as hard as i could. and i said i don't know what came over. i was in an improvwhat happened. needless to say i hated this guy. and i could never tell him or be mean. i was always, "hi, roger. how are youminute i could, i got him. oh, whoops. these things happen on stage. ( cheers and applause ) what about this? so if you were shire and retiring, were you-- how did you feel about your own sexiness? because you became a sex symbol.: you totally became a sex symbol. >> when was that. >> stephen: i've seen some photos of you with tight jeans and tight t-shirts, and your- i wish i had them here. i don't have them here. i'll have to go to my computer
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( laughter ) no, you were sexy, come nun" was not sexy, but "gijent" was sexy in an innocent way. you were sexy in the 70s. you're sexy now, you're sexy now. >> okay, i accept so much. >> stephen: you were totally a sex symbol. >> absolutely i was. absolutely. i was the quint stcial version of sex >> stephen: there are different-- you were-- you were-- >> i was a whole lot of things, and i still am.) i don't want to argue with you. >> stephen: what i'm trying to say is you have enormous range on >> stephen: and on screen. >> thank you. >> stephen: in fact, in this movie you play not only just high comedy, but you also play >> stephen: like she's a troubled person. >> she's a troubled soul. she's very borderline personality. she has some situations goingshe does have some
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but you're laugh-out-loud funny. >> thank you. >> stephen: that's a rare role to play. >> it's a very rare role. it's a very unusual character with asual character. and to blend those tones together of high-romp physical, clown coam dee with real deep stephen: that's a hard turn to take. >> it's very hard to do. but as an actor it was boy, oh, boy, let me at it. >> stephen: a lot of actresses your age say that there just women after-- >> there aren't roles for women any age. even. you're younger. there might be more opportunities to say no to things or do things that you go, "why can't i, like,portant in this role? why can't i have a three-dimensional character?" >> stephen: why can't i stab somebody in the foot with the heel of my shoe. >>something like that. >> yes! i didn't stab him. i hit him with my shoe. it just hurt fair while. >> stephen: how about politics?
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i have been. ( cheers and applause ) i have been for a very, very long time. i mean, i don't-- i mean, i'll go door to door.body's car who isn't voting for her. i don't care what it takes. ( applause ). >> stephen: thank you-- >> yes? >> stephen: thank you so much for being here. >> well, thank you for asking>> stephen: i feel like this is the end of a-- of a-- ( laughter ) of a good date. of a first date. >> yes, and we're going to kiss at the door?re waiting up. >> stephen: that's true. and i think-- and i'm pretty sure my wife's going to watch tonight. hi,u so much for being here. "hello, my name is doris" is in theaters on friday. the great sally field, everybody. we'll be right back. what's the most awarded car company of the year? ranking from top to bottom. luxury cars just seem like
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nd applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody.edian who created and stars in "the carmichael show" on nbc. >> the point is, successful people cheat. that's a reality, all right.
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if a man makes less than year, that man... ( laughter ) probably faithful. but if he makes, like, 50 to 100d, that means he thinks about it but won't act on it. you have nothing to worry about. >> what. >> a half a grand, 100 million, he's definitelyd anything over 100 million means his wife knows his mistress by name. >> stephen: please welcome jerrod carmichael! nd applause ) >> ii was gonna kiss you. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i'm down for that. i'm down for that. not a problem. >> i know you are, but i feel like if i don't stop thisore you know it, everybody-- everyone --
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>> stephen: and then esperanza spalding is going to kiss me, and where does it lead?t stop? you know what i mean? it stops in cold sore vill. that's where it stops. you gotab careful with that. hey you guys. you guys>> stephen: rbt aren't they. >> and i like your shoes. >> oh, yeah, the jordansy're jordans. i know the signsave rough childhood when i see one. those are nice shoes you got on right there. >> stephen: let's talk about your childhood. >> oh, wow. you're on a rocket ride. your hbo comedy special. you're about to launch your second season of your show. >> yeah. >> stephen: congratulations onou very much, thank you. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: you're only 28 years old. >> yeah. >> stephen: when i was 28 i was promising the woman who was about to marry me, "i promise a job." >> really? >> stephen: just hang in there. hang in there. i'll get one. >> it turned around fast.
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>> stephen: late 30s. >> late 30s.h, turned around fast. >> stephen: you're from winston-salem, north carolina. >> did you go to r.j. reynolds: i'm from south >> that's right. >> stephen: do you miss home at all? >> i miss eating. i miss the amount of brown food. >> stephen: yeah. ( laughter ) you know, and i live in l.a. >> stephen: that's the secret of the south, man, dip it in concrete and deep fat fry it, no >> that's right. just throw it in there. health smelth. you. >> stephen: know what course it is based on the amount of powdered sugar shaked on top. >> exactly. that's how you know it's breakfast. what city in south carolina. >> stephen: james island, but then charleston down the coast. >> yeah. i think it's really nice. it's very interesting, i heardorse hillary. you know, and that's good for, i
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>> stephen: good for south carolina to hear endorsingl like, you know, we live in these bubbles you know, l.a. and new york, and i realized that people don't vote the way you think people are going to vote. you, like, interesting views. a lot of you, i'm sure, are from, you know, place where's-- like donald trump, for instance, he sounds like totallyt of my friends. and i get that he says, like, crazy things but, you know, i get that a lot of people, obviously, are still supporting clearly. more and more people all the time. >> and truthfully, as someone who recently moved to a new taxhter ) i-- i think he has some interesting ideals sometimes. ( laughter ) ( applause ) like every now and then -- >> he's making some sense. >> every now and then -- >> you know what youwhat you are right now? you're a job creator is what you are right now. >> it's about time. >> stephen: you made this.
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you know, here's the thing. the thing. let me write thing down. >> write the thing down. here's the thing. >> stephen: "the thing." >> i realized a thing i may agree with trump on.t? >> the wall. i like the wall. >> stephen: yeah. >> i saw him here. he was talking about the wall, big fat door. i tonight know what that means. i don't like hearing him talk like the idea of a wall. and it's not that i'm, like, anti-mexican, but i'm pro wall. >> stephen: you just enjoyal? >> walls are amazing. like we have them in our homes for a reason. you wouldn't tear down a wall so one of your neighbors could wander in if they're feeling>> stephen: it also keeps the weather out. >> it keeps the weather out. walls are great. >> stephen: it won't keep the mexican weather out ofs. it would have to be a very tall wall. >> i thought it was interesting. i wanted to endorse somebody, and i didn't feel it. i saw sally -- >> but you endorsed trump just no! that's--
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i gotta think about it. i gotta make sure i'm not. i'll-- i'll let you know in a couple of tonight, the new season premiere is this sunday officially. >> yeah. >> stephen: but what time by the way? >> oh! 9:00.tephen: did you just pull that one out of your hat? >> exactly. you know exactly what i did. just start watching around 8:30. ( laughter ) >> it it will get to you. >> you'll see a group of black people. preview. it's already been on by the time of this broadcast. but a preview half hour. cheating. >> yeah. >> stephen: basically, that everybody cheats. >> yeah. >> stephen: do you take a moral stance in this on everybody cheats or are you okay with the moral ambiguity with, want? >> i think you could earn it. >> stephen: you could earn >> you earn it. you work really, really hard.
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that ledger with your wife? i just want to keep track, and once i take the garbage out 10 times-- ell you, by not being married, number one. that's the easy way for me to do it. i think certain people kind of earn cheating. you work really, really hard-- not that you earn it, but you forgiveness. >> stephen: really? >> yeah, like, for instance, bill gates cheats on his wife, right. >> stephen: no, not right, nothe does not. >> sure, but -- >> melinda is lovely. >> she is beautiful and there's no reason to. if he did -- >> if. >> he deserves at most a stern talkinghter ) >> stephen: why, because he's rich. >> because he's rich, of course,. >> stephen: how high of a tax bracket are you in right now? ( laughter ) you really do sound like a trump voter. >> the kind where morals are like blurred. ( cheers and applause )
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you forgive wretch prime sometimes. >> stephen: well, we like rich people because we aspire to be them.ool because when i get there i want those rules for me. >> exactly, exactly. and cheating is one of those rules where the line should be-- listen, we shouldn't erase thehould be like a wall. ( laughter ) >> stephen: and you just get a ladder and climb right over it. >> you climb over that wall into your mistress' >> stephen: can mexicans just earn the right to come to the united states if we build a tall enough wall, and if they make the effort to get over it, you go, "okay, you're in?" >> yeah, well, here's the same way i like guests in my apartment. i like people to be invited. and i'm not-- i wouldn't stop anyone from coming. i would just like to know that you'ree, i'm here because of slavery, right? >> stephen: no, you're here because i invited you. ( applause ). >> exactly. exactlphen: your family, your
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>> but even slavery in a sense it's like, you know, it was an invitation. it was an aggressive: yes. it was one of the toughest unpaid internships ever offered. >> hard invitation, but an invitation. >> stephen: yeah. well how about an invitation to come back.elightful. >> thank you for having me. i'm a huge fan. >> stephen: i'm thrilled and i can't wait to see the show. and i enjoy your views onughter ) and i-- and welcome to the tax bracket, my brother. >> thank you very much. thank you very much. >> stephen:on two of "the carmichael show" premieres this sunday at 9:00 on nbc. jerrod carmichael, everybody! we'll be right back. y' s the day! oh look! creepy gloves for my feet. see when i was a kid there was a handle. and a face. this is nice. and does it come in a california king? hemorrhoid.
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what's it gonna be? an oven-baked digiorno? or waiting for delivery? did you have that beard when we ordered?ed crust? or? did we order extra soggy? don't settle for delivery. rise to the occasion. it's not delivery. it's digiorno. spokesbox is great. people love me for saving them over half a grand when they switch to progressive. so i'm dabbling in new ventures. ght with the dalai lama. great guy. terrible player. go paperless don't stress, girl i got the discounts that you need but i got to give the people what they want -- more box. any words for the critics? what caneg. [ applause ] the what?!
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( cheers and applause )ern was not just from the water in flint. bernie sanders stunned the prognosticators by takingg hillary clinton by 21 points. but hillary clinton took it graciously.ial statement after the results came in. >> what's happening! ( laughter ) ( applause ): now, on the republican side, donald trump won the primaries in michigan, mississippi, and hawaii, so now aloha means both hello and good-bye, republicanty. did y'all catch his victory speech? ( cheers and applause ) i thought you did. because it was on every single channel. even nick jr. was
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sort of orange blob on tv. so, hey-- hey! hey, kids! hi!hi! hey! hey! mexicans are coming to kill us! so here's the deal.mney called donald trump a fraud and a bad businessman because things liketrump water, and trump steaks had all failed. so last night, after winning mitt's home state of michigan, trump's victory speech had a little bit of product placement.ot up and made a speech the other day. i brought some things up because he said my water company is gone. i said, "it is? i didn't know that."essful companies. we sell water, and we have water, and it is very successful . we have "trump" magazine. it's called the "jewel of palm beach." all of my clubs. i've had it for many years, and it's the magazine.
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that. very proud of that. it's as good wine as you can get world. and we have trump steak. >> stephen: that's right, trump gave his victory speech next to a pyramid of raw srying to introduce mitt rom or introducing his new running mate, trump, pile of maelt, 2016.telling them apart. it was like watching an infomercial. if he's elected, this would make trump the first president with a sicker, "as seen on think, i think-- if we're honest, i think i know what's going on here. donald is just insecure. i don't know if trump even wantst. the guy just needs constant validation. that's clear. isn't that all any of us want,
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just love and maybe steak. ) and if we just give that to him, maybe he'll go away. so mr. trump. ( cheers and applause ) mr. trump--mr. trump-- and i know you're watching because i said your name three times-- i just want you to know that everyone thinks you're you are good at companies and businessing. and no doubt, you're hung like a pool noodle. oh, what's that? oh, what's that?ll. hello? oh, it's everyone who made fun of donald trump in high school! what's that? you were secretly jealous of him the whole time?o far fewer women? okay, i'll tell him. good-bye, real call. ( laughter ) besides, donald, you don't needbecause there's an even cooler, more elite position out there, and
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and tonight, to make it official, i'm giving you the "number one man" trophy. and you'll love it because it's packed with meat. applause ) we'll be right back with esperanza spalding. nothing will keep you from magnum double caramel. silky vanilla bean ice cream & rich caramel sauce all covered in thick chocolate. double dipped for double
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ase welcome four-time grammy winner esperanza spalding.
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watch this pretty girl flow lone ranger,ke the view wond'ring from a distance what my pretty peak can do don't march uprning shoes i see right through the cool layered around your glowing fuseloose that mountain of good times, good lavayou wanna
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you wanna watch this pretty girl flow good lavaood lava good lava you strangera be planting your own flag of conquered fear and fantasy right on me with this pretty girl flow
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and i'll even let you climb inside my mountain of good times, good lava we all know you wanna see this pretty girl flow you want its pretty girl flow you want it see this pretty girl flowt see this pretty girl flow good lavapretty girl flow
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good lava ( cheers and applause ) new album "emily's d+evolution" is out now. esperanza spalding, everybody.
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>> stephen: that's it for the late show. guests
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anna kendrick. the attorney general of the united states, loretta lynch. and a musical performance by brian james corden. watch him, won't you? good night. by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh re you ready to have some fun feel the love tonight we it right


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